Ever wonder why your blog hasn’t hit The Big Time? Me too! Lucky for you, I have figured out the secret to having a successful blog. You’re welcome in advance.

1. You aren’t annoying enough.

For some of you badass bloggers, this is going to be tough. Everyone has their own annoyances, but here are some surefire ways to start annoying your readers and keep them coming back for more.

  • Dress up in complicated outfits, post numerous photos of yourself in said outfits, and then declare how easy it is to dress like that every day.
  • Gush endlessly about how perfect  and amazing your marriage/husband/children/life is.
  • Complain about your post-baby body and then post pictures of yourself in size 0 white jeans. Then complain some more.

2. You aren’t controversial enough.

Luckily, this is a fairly easy problem to solve. Here are some suggestions on how you can start pissing off a whole lot of people asap.

  • Start breastfeeding your ten year old.
  • Declare cesarean sections to be the work of the devil.
  • Take any firm stance on vaccinating and/or medicating your child. Any side will do.
  • Dedicate your entire blog to all the proud parents who let their baby cry it out.
  • Start a blog that bashes American women (this one has already been taken, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it too).
  • Copy someone else’s work without giving credit. Feel free to just cut and paste.

3. You don’t use enough four letter words.

Again, this one has a simple fix. Just insert the f-word wherever you see fit. Then add at least 15 of your favorite four letter words randomly within each blog post. Make sure to add at least one good ‘ol “Motherfucker” somewhere in there too. This seems to be the most winning combination.

4. You aren’t crafty enough and/or you don’t wear enough vintage clothing.

I know this step seems daunting. Have no fear; being crafty and vintage-y is easier than you might think. First, you must go to your nearest thrift store and buy the ugliest dress available. Put a belt on it. Ta da! Vintage wardrobe- check. Next, grab the closest home accessory or pillow you can find. Put a bird on it. Ta da! Craftiness- check.

5. You aren’t a robot and you don’t have a clone.

I can’t help you with this one. Sorry. Blogging is a lot like trying to be an octopus juggling twenty four tennis balls. You need eight arms to get the job done. Unfortunately, we only have two to work with. We all drop the ball from time to time, and that’s totally ok. Because sometimes a baby needs to be held, a spouse needs affection, and you just need some freaking sleep. Remember: the blogosphere isn’t going anywhere, but life is. And it’s going fast, so don’t get left behind.

Why do you think your blog hasn’t hit The Big Time yet?